


Desperation, determination

by Andramion



Series: Zine works [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: 3rd year 1st years, Gen, karasuno first years zine, smells like team spirit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-05 20:28:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17331800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andramion/pseuds/Andramion
Summary: After that last ball drops, Kei looks at the gym ceiling.The crowd around him is roaring; there are cheers from across the court, groans of disappointment and disbelief behind him.He avoids looking down, because at least this way, nobody can see the tears welling up in his eyes. The captain’s band is a smouldering brand on his arm, reminding him of just how much he didn’t do, just how wrong everyone was when they said he could lead them to victory again.But Kei is the real idiot, for getting caught up in their enthusiasm, actually thinking that he could.





	Desperation, determination

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Karasuno First Years Zine: Birds of a Feather
> 
> My main focus was Tsukishima, Hinata and Yachi, and you know I can't resist writing from my boy's perspective so. Here it is. I had the very best of times working on this zine, and all the contributors are AMAZING as well. I'm so proud of what we've put together!

After that last ball drops, Kei looks at the gym ceiling.

The crowd around him is roaring; there are cheers from across the court, groans of disappointment and disbelief behind him.

He avoids looking down, because at least this way, nobody can see the tears welling up in his eyes. The captain’s band is a smouldering brand on his arm, reminding him of just how much he didn’t do, just how wrong everyone was when they said he could lead them to victory again.

But Kei is the real idiot, for getting caught up in their enthusiasm, actually thinking that he could. He takes a deep breath and blinks twice, everything pushed back to make place for the Captain, and he finally turns to look at his teammates.

Kageyama and Yamaguchi are in tears – Yamaguchi’s out of sadness, Kageyama’s out of frustration. Both of them are holding up one of their underclassmen, tired to the bone, and Kei realises that that’s what he should have thought of doing immediately. Behind him, he hears Yachi hiccup and he can’t bear to turn around and look her in the eyes. She’s the one who’s put so much effort into supporting them, the only one who always, _always_ believed in them.

Well, that’s not true, Kei knows, and he turns to the only person stupid enough to drag Kei into believing they could win.

Hinata’s expression is pinched, eyes dry but glistening and Kei is surprised at his composure. They look at each other for two, three seconds. Kei _doesn’t_ cry. Then Hinata nods; that one little push Kei needed.

“Come on, everyone,” he calls them together. His voice – cracking, thick in his throat, nothing like the captain’s voice he’s learned to use - somehow it still makes it over the din of the crowd. “We need to vacate the court, the next match is beginning soon.”

He herds the team off, over to the stands, bow, thank, on to the halls to change into their tracksuits. Hinata lags behind the whole way and as Kei waits for the last of their teammates to go through the doors to the hallway, he feels a tug on his sleeve.

“We’ll be right there,” he calls to the team. “Get… try to get dressed within 10 minutes.” Yamaguchi meets his eyes for a moment, nodding. He’ll take care of them in the meantime.

Kei follows Hinata, his usual loudness contained in strained muscles, hunched shoulders, the tight grip on Kei’s wrist.

They stop behind some of the stairs leading up to the rafters, and Kei shakes his hand briefly. A year ago, he would have shrugged Hinata off easily, but now it's just a way to get him to talk.

"Hinata," he begins, but at the same time, Hinata breathes in deeply. When he looks up, his cheeks are ruddy and his eyes filling with tears. Sadness or frustration, Kei no longer really knows, but really, it could be both.

Behind Hinata, Kei can see Yachi hiding around the corner. Checking up on them as usual, but just as dense about hiding as Hinata or Kageyama. Somehow, it puts Kei at ease.

"You," Hinata says, and Kei meets his eyes again and bristles at the sheer determination in them. "You better not leave the team now that the in-high is over."

Kei opens his mouth to answer, but Hinata just speaks right over him.

"You. Better. Not. Quit."

 

* * *

 

"You might want to think about it now," Ennoshita says, and Kei knows what he's talking about before he confirms it. Coach Ukai is there, and it's just the five of the second years gathered in the room. Given that they've just come back from their summer training camp and are getting ready for the spring tournament prelims, it was obvious what was going to be asked before Ennoshita even spoke up. "About who of you will be captain next year."

Kei nods and looks at the others. He can't keep down a laugh when Hinata's mouth falls open in surprise. Although Kageyama doesn't mirror the expression, the draw of his eyebrows and tilted head say enough.

“Take your time,” Ukai adds, and he dismisses the five of them before they can ask any questions. It’s fine, really, Kei doesn’t care too much about the outcome of the discussion either way.

As they walk down the hill together, Kei half expects the idiot vanguard to be fighting between themselves, but they’re strangely quiet. Instead, their walk is accompanied by Yamaguchi and Yachi’s chatter about schoolwork in the middle, and the music softly playing from the headphones around Kei’s neck.

Halfway down, Yamaguchi sighs loudly and stretches his arms above his head. “I wonder,” he says, and Kei pulls the jack of his headphones out of his phone before pushing it back in, the music falling silent. “What would make any one of us the right choice for captain?”

Kei doesn’t look at them, but he does listen, curious about the conclusion they’ll come to.

“Ennoshita works together with Tanaka-san a lot, right?” Yachi wonders out loud, and the way she cocks her head reminds Kei of a small animal. “And Daichi-san knew how to keep you all in check,” she offers, “maybe that’s the most important thing.” Then she quickly waves her hands to diffuse an argument that wouldn’t have started up anyway. “I don’t mean that in a bad way!”

Kageyama’s face is scrunched up at the comment, and Kei snickers at the annoyance plain on his face. Of course he’s only now realising that Daichi-san and Ennoshita-san knew exactly which of his buttons to push to get Kageyama to do things.

“I’m good at getting along with people, and I’m the ace, so I should be captain,” Hinata says, puffing up his chest. His stance immediately turns defensive when Kei makes eye contact with him. “What? You wanna fight?”

“Captaincy comes with a lot of _paperwork_ too, you idiot. And having to get at the very least _average grades, hmm?_ Not to mention having to be a good public speaker, a rational thinker, someone who can be objective and remembers to take care of everything that needs to be taken care of. It’s not just about being liked and running around like a headless chicken screaming _volleyball is fun_.”

“Well, then you should just be captain, if you don’t have to be liked anyway, Stingyshima.” Hinata sticks out his tongue and Kei represses the childish urge to do it right back.

“I wasn’t offering myself up.”

Surprisingly, Kageyama is the one to speak up. “No, you do seem like you’re… alright at that kind of stuff.”

“Well thank you, your majesty, that must have cost you a great deal.”

“Actually,” Yamaguchi interrupts, and Kei drops the bite in favour of hearing out his best friend, “I kind of thought it would obviously be you two.” He nods at Kei, and then Hinata. “You’re very different but together you’d have the right skill set?”

“Don’t make me-”

“I also think it’s a good idea.” Kei turns to Yachi when she speaks, not expecting her to really voice an opinion about the matter. He’d expected her to leave it up to them, but it’s not like he doesn’t appreciate the opposite happening.

“You do?” Hinata asks and Yachi nods.

“You know, Tsukishima-kun is super smart and can take care of all the organisational things and you can be in charge of motivation. Oh, and, and, you know! The sun and the moon! Crows! We’ll rule the sky!” She laughs then, and rubs at her neck as she shuffles her feet. “I thought it was a cool idea.”

Kei hates it when she starts spouting things like that, like Takeda-sensei, because he doesn’t want the others to catch on to the fact that he’s weak for that kind of poetic bullshit.

“Fine,” he says, “But just until the end of summer.” He even extends a hand to Hinata, who happily takes it in his own tiny little hand and shakes it way harder than necessary.

“You’re not getting rid of your vice-captain that quickly,” he grins and Kei’s already rolling his eyes.

“Sure,” he says, “because it’ll be _so hard_.”

Two even smaller hands land on top of theirs and Kei looks over to Yachi, who seems to steel her nerves before looking up with resolution in her eyes.

“And I’ll keep doing my best as manager.”

“And we’re gonna win,” Yamaguchi adds, putting a hand on top as well, despite seeing Kei try to pull his hand out of the pile.

“Well, of course.” Kageyama’s hand lands at the very top, long fingers spread out and squeezing down a little.

Kei sighs and gives in, shaking Hinata’s hand one more time under the pile. “Can we let go now?”

 

* * *

 

Now, Kei looks down at Hinata, at Yachi - who's moved out from the behind the corner and has stepped closer to the both of them - and he realises: neither of them even has to tell him this.

Somehow, after the past two and a half years, Kei finds himself thirsting for it just as much as them; the win, the glory, that same taste of victory he felt for the very first time when he blocked Ushijima's spike during that match in his first year.

But the really disgusting thing is… he wants it not just for himself, but for _all of them_.

 _“By your third year, I bet you’ll be a sappy senpai too,”_ Kuroo-san had once told him, and Kei had scrunched up his nose and sneered at him. Oh how he hates it when Kuroo-san is right. Kei doesn’t know when he himself became synonymous with _friend,_ with _senpai_ , with _captain,_ with _I want us to win._

Or well, maybe he’s always had a thing about winning, but just never risked putting himself in the game.

“Quit?” he asks Hinata now, and he steps out from under the stairs a little, towards Yachi. She still jumps, smiling somehow both sheepishly and nervously at the same time. “I should! I should be retiring from the club and focusing on my studies. Not everyone has a shot at a sports grant, Hinata. Entrance exams are going to be there before you know it and I. Should. Quit.”

Hinata’s eyes only showed surprise for a second and now he's frowning, eyes blazing and intense. Kei hates it when he gets like that. He hates hot blooded people. But maybe, maybe he belongs in that category himself as well now. Just a little bit.

“Tsukishi-“

“You don’t get to lecture me,” Kei cuts in, and he lifts his chin a little, just because it still pisses Hinata off a little sometimes, and that’s what’s really fun about it. “I should quit volleyball. But I’m not going to.”

He hears a sharp inhale, a relieved hiccup, and when he looks to his side again, Yachi’s stepped a bit closer, hands wrung together in front of her mouth. “Really, Tsukishima-kun?”

 “Not just yet,” Kei replies, and he tries to ignore the impending doom that is Hinata being _happy with him._ “We still have to conquer nationals after all.”

Five minutes later, after Kei has generously let Hinata cry on him and let Yachi laugh at his misery, he shakes Hinata off his back and stands straight enough that the won’t be able to climb back on.

“Besides,” he says to Hinata, “If I quit now, _you_ would be captain until the end of the year.” He turns to Yachi and leans down a little. “I can just hear Ennoshita-san and Daichi-san rolling over in their graves at the thought of it.”

“Hey, they’re not dead yet!”

“That’s because Tsukishima-kun and I haven’t let you try to be captain.”

Kei _doesn’t_ laugh when Yachi startles at her own words, although he laughs extra loudly at Hinata’s expression stuck between shocked and betrayed and amused.

He _doesn’t_ smile as he looks between Hinata and Yachi, when the three of them make their way back to the team, hearts a little lighter, desperation turned determination.

Or, well, he’ll just have to be forgiven if he does, just a little bit.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! PLease do leave me a comment if you have a minute!


End file.
